3 day silent..

Is been a while i didn't post at this blog since thursday.. I'm at kk now.. Having holiday at kk wit family.. Before i tell my journey to kk.. I want share about my life.. What happen since my last post..

on thursday night, i went to cayra parent house.. She not there.. Well.. Along the way to the house, i feel that is like a flashback, thing that i do routine when i'm at lbn had happen again.. But somehow, even i feel like excited because that usually the feeling i got when go to the house.. But this time, a feeling of lost, misses, and sad, things had changed to worst, this time i'm going there and she not there.. Well is so sad.. What to do.. When i arrive, i welcome by the family quite well. The treatment i get is the same as last time when i'm wit cayra.. Well.. This make me miss her again.. The reason i go there because i feel i want go there, to just see them because i feel i'm in the family already.. Well.. I need to change that feeling because i'm no longer wit cayra, having accept them will be too much over.. You can't be family wit some1 that had rejected me, is not right.. We talk about me, mostly me.. Haha.. Thing feel different now..

and this friday.. Nothing much i can talk.. I know where i will be interview.. Know what time.. This feel the puzzle i that need to complete.. Now.. I need to get ready about the interview, such as, my cloth, my certificate, and my confident..

now.. I want to tell about my journey to kk.. I'm going to kk using ferry. At kuala penyu, i attend wedding kenduri, the kenduri is really not i expected, the food can say is different, haha.. At kk, i stay at my aunt justina house. I went to 1borneo, do some shopping.. But 1 thing in my mind, my bad memories arise, here, i been abandon and rejected by some1. That time i willing do anything because i love her so much.. Still that not enough at that time.. Sadly time had passes.. I need to move on.. Ok lar.. I will tell more about my holiday at kk again..

i'm using mobile phone do this blogging. Bye

Thursday~~~

today i only play DOTA... nothing much i can do.... i really feel i going to be crazy.... my car being use by my parent... i really miss some1....she feeling sick... wat else i can say... nothing to do... ok... that all my post today...

Making ko chong

ko chong?? is a packed rice... today is the celebration of it... so my mum take leave from work to make it... today nothing interesting happen.. nothing in my mind... same thing i think about... hahaha

i just apply job 1 place...nothing i can hope for....herm..... boring day for me.. thinking about some1.. nothing can do about it...

mental check for me

is been a while i never write something serious in my blog.. all the time i write wat i feel.. how i should do this, do that..wat happen.. so.. my view of my life?? hard to say.. at this moment, the only thing i think is my life sucks... hahaha come on syl... ur life is more than that.. i view my life seem to be empty.. nothing special happen in my life.. seldom happy moment.. everynight i feel like want to talk... just feel want to feel secure that my life is actually fine... well... i dont have that... that make me feel that the life is useless.. hey... 1 thing i learn is be apprieciate my life much better.. things around the world always change.. nothing stay there forever.. i lost someting important to me, could be because of me, my life last time is like just let it be.. i dont really care wat happen around me, only care about 1 person.. well.. that could be my mistake.. i only see in 1 person..

now.. all are gone.. i have to start a new one.. i have to see different way.. i have to move forward.. but at same time, i always looking at my back... i know is not healty, but that only give me strenght.. i not the person that have job, have means of going anyway, have friend that will help me, handsome, have a special some1.. basicly... i have nothing to hold on to move forward... i only have my studies, few friends, and my family well... that the only thing i have... i believe there is more... but none can help me... i always believe that special some1 will help, will share the future together, share the same dream.. things arent working well.. wat can i do now?? well just move forward... open my mind.. see thing lots of point of view..

the other thing i would like to say, i dont blame other for my journey, is a tough road i can say.. i accept the road but just hate it.. every step i take, i feel like damn suffer.. i know i sometimes didnt respect other.. i do whatever i want.. i feel sorry for that.. i know i'm a boring person.. weak person.. althought inside me is full of love, kindness, caring... wat can i say.. world is cruel.. and i still sick!!!!!

Going to market

this mornig i going to the market...my Toyota Corrola Car damn hot.... i last time can stand the heat but now.... i almost reach my limit.... the car is hot...

hey..i would like to add up this post... is too short... :P so... wat my plan this week??? today.. is Monday... may be i need to start finding work... yerp...1 thing to do...find work...

one thing...some1 in trouble... i wish i can help... well.. just stay quite..

the calling

ok... i already told myself it just a dream... it will never happen... and guess wat... it was really a dream... but i use the hard way to know it just a dream... i knew that msg is not for me, wat i believe is is for me is wasnt, i hope too much...think about impossible too much... damn... there no such thing as happy ending... there not such thing as fairy tales.. movie only happen about 2 hours... our lifetime??? forever we live... thing arent simple, well planned, and done accordingly..

this wat happen.. i call her.. well..it going well actually.. her voice change but still the same.. may be talk a bit differently as some moment she speak malay... i was kinda suprise.. last time i'm the one that use malay at some moment.. haha... we talk about how well we are.. she doing fine.. of cos i'm have to say i'm ok... even inside me is not tat fine.. just barely fine.. she sound like she happy.. i'm of cos happy for her.. may be she indeed find some1 special.. well.. i wish i'm that person.. still... my want to know ALL about her still the same.. i really wish i can ask everything about her.. but i need keep my limit... sadly... and also my life is not that significant for her... 1 thing i really fear.. is she know about this blog.. i guess she dont know.. i dont want show that i'm tat weak.. still have feeling for her..

well... is actually nice conversation.. just dissapointed that she dont want hang out wit me.. i guess is too fast to do that... perhaps she need some time and space.. well... 1 thing for sure... i cant stand living at labuan like this... 1 day i will show that i will be sucessfull person..

mistake..

well..i guess is a mistake...it wasnt for me... impossible... i know lots of people ask me how was it.. is say it is short.. inconclusive.. and well... disappointing.. but i dont let it stop me.. right now i going to pick up my sibling.. may be treat them to McD lunch...:P and go to Maybank for my ATM card... is invalid!!!

hey...again....i forget my charger...damn...i dont know where i put it..any1 got charger??

going to do it

like i said before, tomoro i may be going to do it... going try to call... well... i feel kinda scare now... wat i scare... well.... same thing that ever happen to me.. may be it just my feeling.. may be that wasnt for me... well...tomoro we will know it... i didnt find peace now....my heart feel different... i hope i had a good nigh sleep.

other thing worried about me is why i do this so slow..i missing the chance..and i also worried that she sick again.... well.... is my fault that i'm slow and weak...

missing

oh damn..... new msg again... and this is so obvious.... is that really for me.... or i been played?? or i just dreaming that was for me... i'm scare....i'm scare i'm was wrong.... every people as tell me just call pick up the phone and dial... well is not that simple for me... last time is hurt so much... time passes... wound are healing as i write this blog for healing process... i started trust wat important in my life which is God.. i dont dare to face it again... but i will move forward.. meaning i had to face my fear... may be tomoro... i try... early morning i try to call... is too fast, i know.... but moving forward mean getting clossure, letting it go... if not i will haunted... but i scare for wat will happen.. i weak to face failure... hope that God be wit me...

i wan go to market....well i'm at labuan, meaning my grandma will took advantage of me, sending her to market.. i think she dont know the situation.. well.... my grandma like her so much... i dont want break her heart... huhuu.. ok lar.... 1 last thing... dont know that msg for me or not.... inside me say i missssss u toooo... moving forward syl..

making the lunch

just finish cook the lunch... herm...cooking.... why do i like to cook in the first place?? could be i want impress some1 with it, cook something delicious, making cookie, making cheese cake, making papaya jerk. now i feel i got nothing to impress of, just a routine, huhuhu... each afternoon some1 come visit me.... hahaha

well..when i think of this.i should think of this... i need to move on... bu this home hold many memories... each of it i need to let it go... let it pass.... :( herm.... this morning after wake up, knowing some1 feeling sick.. i worried a bit... usually i will bring her o clinnic and ask for mc.... hahaha...well.... she can take care of herself...and syl!!! stoping living in the past....

i guess i start need to make my CV or resume.... my detail is not impresssive.... sad...

1 full day of thinking

yerp... the whole day i'm thinking of it...i still now sure... as the previous post about the confusing thing...i still confuse....i need some1, something.... should i just do it?? i still not sure who that msg for, well.... may be i just go as it advice, go meet them, but everynight seem they have activity with the church, this weekend will be keamatan mass..

PS. for u all not sure what msg about, where it came from, i like to show it but i scare it was not for me.... so.... sorry about the sercet....

Bored afternoon...

as the topic said...i so bored.... and a bit confuse... all my heart, my mind tell me to just do it.. well..my logic say dont..i'm just dreaming... it wont be tat simple.. not simple like just pick up the phone and dial... after wat happen, wat going on, wat could be will happen, i just confuse... it just a msg, u dont know who the msg for, it feel like for me, but i dont want be Perasaan that for me, hahaha..this confusing is make me crazy, i dont know wat is see, read, heard should be trusted.

well...i still need to do something like cook, clean my room. and watch tv....

1st night at labuan

going back to labuan were never the same...my usually routine were change..i didnt pick up some1, go to some1 house. have dinner wit... well... it is change..still i try to be positive about it for wat had happen...

i confuse wit something..is it me that being disappointed by my family, friend or some1. of cos my parent never disappointed me... hahaha... well..they ask me to find work at kk, any of the consultant company.. perhaps i been dreaming... still i wondering wat it is disappointed about... it couldn't be me....

welcome to labuan

At last i arrive at labuan.. Now waiting for my bag.. My night mare had come true, this place where everything come, where everything create. Last time i leave this place wit change life, now i come back here, wit the same life it change.. I need to be strong.. I need to think positive.. This place remind me lots of good memories, remind me of happiness.. Now it just memories.. I need start new chapter of memories, new life. I wish it didn't end this or start this way, but i know the true is different from i wish for.

right now, i really wish i go back home and lock myself.. I can't face it.. Strong is easy word to say.. But doing it, i need lots of prayer.. I need to open my mind.. Open my heart, accept new thing..

syl.. Welcome back to labuan, the place that you dedicate so much..

airport

Nervous.. Worried.. Sacred.. Feel really disappointed, and sad.. This the feel when at gate going back to my hometown.. Times passes quickly.. I never think this would actually happen.. I really feel worried.. Worried that is it true.. I'm scare.. Scare that it happened.. I'm nervous because i know this time forward.. Is all unknow for me.. Lord.. Please help me.. I know this time will come, but i don't know it feel so quick.. So soon.. Owh damn.. I actually will face this.. Nevertheless.. I try to be strong.. Let the pass go, keep the memories as lesson.. And keep moving forward.. I know my life path.. I will stick to it.. I try.. I can't promise myself.. But i try.. Lonely doesn't mean the end, but it open up new way of looking the world.. Friends.. They are all around us.. I'm sad to leave my friend as i'm going back.. But friendship will not stop.. I will try keep contact..

my plan at lbn is to stay quite.. I really can't face it.. I will need time.. Sorry..