Today is Design Project Presentation day, it the last time to do before i left this place... is kinda nervious not because the presentation but the future. huhuhu... i had ready this presentation since yestersday... and yesterday i'm quite happy..:)
yesterday i discuss about slide with zura and dyla. everything seem in order, problem encounter while making the slide are easily solve. the power point give not problem. just 2 problen, i dont have the ESTEEM model and i dont have PC. well...i'm using zura pc while typing this post. somehow that day remind me of my oldself. i doesnt care about anything when with them. is just make me feel in there... some1 give me a link to ehow about how to being happy. i'm sure next time i will tell how can i be happy. but if u read all my post, i'm sure u know how can i be happy.
that all i want to say at this short hour, i will post soon after i finish my presentation. the mpst important thing is yesterday i didnt feel sad at all.... hehehe....
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
well spend day
yesterday i went to mas cargo.. i send my motorcycle back to labuan...the journey from my place (shah alam) to klia is so long, is like 2 hours of driving... this is because i was lost on the way...i use federal highway, hahaha...i follow the signboard to klia, but suddenly the signboard stop show sign of the klia...then i just go to sign to seremban, just i knew it was nilai and sepang..i know i was close but unfutunately, i already use a longway to reach klia...damn tired... and guess wat...at the area airport..i also lost again...i cant find my way to mas cargo... the other thing i worried about is my fuel.. is almost empty.... well...ask a few person... then i find mas cargo...go to Kastam, then everything settle... yeah..i finally had send my motor to labuan.... it cost like 750...
at night, i go wacth movie...it was all so sudden to go to the cinema at 10 to watch ANGEL AND DEMON. it was an intersthing movie. is not as deadly as the da vinci code but it still intersthing...the election of pope, the churches at rome... all this thing make want to go to rome and have priglimage at rome..
so.. have i get off my fear..still no..i just didnt think of it... but now while writing on it... i think about it.. i need to be strong... i need to not be afraid.. i also think about myself of being alone..i know they other people are even more unlucky from me...so wat i think about meaning of alone? i know i started feel alone when some1 abondoned me, that time i feel the world really coming down.. that alone feeling keep growing till i feel everything also make me feel alone, just that small thing..that some1... time passes and i LOOK strong, still inside me are not, that y i write this blog, knowing this blog is a public blog and any1 can read it..feel that i'm not alone, but this.. i need some help, i need get closure from that some1, not now but someday.. someday that i overcome this feeling of alone, and i feel special in all way..
then there is my problem with love, not love to the special 1, but love, i love all people around me, i really like to express it everytime, but it will sound so gay. i already found the cure and i searching for the cure, i need a pet..a dog... after go back to labuan, may be i will search for a dog. hahaha...
i still need stop dreaming..i keep remind myself to let go and move on.... i try to do...i write all the time in the post...i need to move on... and 1 thing that u right, i need to expect something small.. not dream something big, i need to be open minded in every corner, just that sometimes when i receive something good, i really wish i can share it. i grateful of cos, but still, keep to yourself and this make me feel alone. i have nobody to share to.. did u every play sims? they have different aspiration, family, money, knowledge, mine could be romantic. hahaha... i'm not that person that have basic thing of my life, like job, car, salary, house, and most important a friend that u can call at night. i dont have those. but looking at u, i'm the most unlucky person, u mean i guessing most of people.. even they in problem, they still got some1 to depend on. wat about me??? i just depend on the spechless blog. i being reject by real friend just because of me, my personality, u know it that i share most of my feeling in the blog, that personality, people rejected me!!! is me.... i like share and be shared, i describe
i guess my life is not that suck because i have my family, still i cant be myself because i always pretend i'm happy, i need to feel happy, dont everytime, in some moment, a tears coming out. because inside me are suffering. i love my living life, but i hate the journey, the journey of keep moving forward.. i can describe the my journey like, looking back after each step and there no light in the front. i need to change that view of my journey. may be next time but i sure i will write it down. well... there something i want write it down but i cant, is too private to me and too offensive to some1, is about 4th paragraph. let it go and keep moving k syl...
hey thanks for any1 that helped me, i know u still care. sorry if i said i dont... thanks for the comment. i really appreciate that u read this, and u write about it. this blog is for my healing process. everyday i try to look different view of my life. find the enlightenment path. i know it help me view in different way, compare with others, to open my mind there something even worst. still my definition of alone and love is different to me. i just want to share it. thanks to every1.
so....i need to stop writing. is too long already.. still got lots..but need to stop now.
at night, i go wacth movie...it was all so sudden to go to the cinema at 10 to watch ANGEL AND DEMON. it was an intersthing movie. is not as deadly as the da vinci code but it still intersthing...the election of pope, the churches at rome... all this thing make want to go to rome and have priglimage at rome..
so.. have i get off my fear..still no..i just didnt think of it... but now while writing on it... i think about it.. i need to be strong... i need to not be afraid.. i also think about myself of being alone..i know they other people are even more unlucky from me...so wat i think about meaning of alone? i know i started feel alone when some1 abondoned me, that time i feel the world really coming down.. that alone feeling keep growing till i feel everything also make me feel alone, just that small thing..that some1... time passes and i LOOK strong, still inside me are not, that y i write this blog, knowing this blog is a public blog and any1 can read it..feel that i'm not alone, but this.. i need some help, i need get closure from that some1, not now but someday.. someday that i overcome this feeling of alone, and i feel special in all way..
then there is my problem with love, not love to the special 1, but love, i love all people around me, i really like to express it everytime, but it will sound so gay. i already found the cure and i searching for the cure, i need a pet..a dog... after go back to labuan, may be i will search for a dog. hahaha...
i still need stop dreaming..i keep remind myself to let go and move on.... i try to do...i write all the time in the post...i need to move on... and 1 thing that u right, i need to expect something small.. not dream something big, i need to be open minded in every corner, just that sometimes when i receive something good, i really wish i can share it. i grateful of cos, but still, keep to yourself and this make me feel alone. i have nobody to share to.. did u every play sims? they have different aspiration, family, money, knowledge, mine could be romantic. hahaha... i'm not that person that have basic thing of my life, like job, car, salary, house, and most important a friend that u can call at night. i dont have those. but looking at u, i'm the most unlucky person, u mean i guessing most of people.. even they in problem, they still got some1 to depend on. wat about me??? i just depend on the spechless blog. i being reject by real friend just because of me, my personality, u know it that i share most of my feeling in the blog, that personality, people rejected me!!! is me.... i like share and be shared, i describe
i guess my life is not that suck because i have my family, still i cant be myself because i always pretend i'm happy, i need to feel happy, dont everytime, in some moment, a tears coming out. because inside me are suffering. i love my living life, but i hate the journey, the journey of keep moving forward.. i can describe the my journey like, looking back after each step and there no light in the front. i need to change that view of my journey. may be next time but i sure i will write it down. well... there something i want write it down but i cant, is too private to me and too offensive to some1, is about 4th paragraph. let it go and keep moving k syl...
hey thanks for any1 that helped me, i know u still care. sorry if i said i dont... thanks for the comment. i really appreciate that u read this, and u write about it. this blog is for my healing process. everyday i try to look different view of my life. find the enlightenment path. i know it help me view in different way, compare with others, to open my mind there something even worst. still my definition of alone and love is different to me. i just want to share it. thanks to every1.
so....i need to stop writing. is too long already.. still got lots..but need to stop now.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Packing the PC
at this moment, i'm preparing to pack my beloved pc.. this 5 days..i will have no pc to playing, cant write my blog, which make mefeel even lonely...
i need help, help help help............i dont know i can live or not.....
well...1 thing in my mind....but it never stay in my mind....is to horrible to think of it... even time i think of it.. my heart start to pumping, my anxiety increase... please.... please...... i wish stop everything... to think of it...i getting scare.... this feeling i ever have, last year, november, it repeat again.... and the outcome on that time is still not sure.. BUT this time it repeat again...and this time i know the outcome... i need to be brave.. stop dreaming... and move on.... thing are simple to say..but to do it.... it need lots of commitment and i dont have it... i guess...i will stuck like this forever until my spirit rise once again...seriously.... i'm afraid... please... any1... help me..... i beg for mercy... i really dont want face this future... where the future is know the outcome... i'm not that strong...i can pretend to be strong... please....
sometimes when u alone, u desperaid to have an end.... i'm not that foolish... i will keep moving forward.. have faith everything will be....???...... i dont have faith.... i'm questioning myself if my world without a dream now... can i move forward?? u know ur dream will never happen, u need to make a choice to keep dreaming or stop it.... i choose to stop it... wat i can do next?? that part i still havent figure it out, i just realise that.. damn... may be the day without PC will give the answer...i will try to blog using my mobile phone.. any1 please help me.... please do call me..... 0198221016.. i really lost in my way now... please
i need help, help help help............i dont know i can live or not.....
well...1 thing in my mind....but it never stay in my mind....is to horrible to think of it... even time i think of it.. my heart start to pumping, my anxiety increase... please.... please...... i wish stop everything... to think of it...i getting scare.... this feeling i ever have, last year, november, it repeat again.... and the outcome on that time is still not sure.. BUT this time it repeat again...and this time i know the outcome... i need to be brave.. stop dreaming... and move on.... thing are simple to say..but to do it.... it need lots of commitment and i dont have it... i guess...i will stuck like this forever until my spirit rise once again...seriously.... i'm afraid... please... any1... help me..... i beg for mercy... i really dont want face this future... where the future is know the outcome... i'm not that strong...i can pretend to be strong... please....
sometimes when u alone, u desperaid to have an end.... i'm not that foolish... i will keep moving forward.. have faith everything will be....???...... i dont have faith.... i'm questioning myself if my world without a dream now... can i move forward?? u know ur dream will never happen, u need to make a choice to keep dreaming or stop it.... i choose to stop it... wat i can do next?? that part i still havent figure it out, i just realise that.. damn... may be the day without PC will give the answer...i will try to blog using my mobile phone.. any1 please help me.... please do call me..... 0198221016.. i really lost in my way now... please
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sungai Congkak
My experience at sungai congkak today is quite exhilarating .. but the flow of the river is not somewhat challenging, slow stream of upstream river...huhuhu..still the water is so cool...but i can stand cool water...
even with all the excitement, i still didnt feel right. may be because the plan is not in my plan.. or because is the last trip with dyla zura and hilmi.. well.. i gotta make full use of the time spend.. upon arrive at the picnic site, the place seem to be full of nature, well, almost, is not full dense with scrub, not full of mosquito, all quite clean.. the sound of river flow is somewat really slow, not the relaxing sound.. hahaha..
starting of the fire, cook some chicken.. yeah!!! jump to the water...basiclly not jump.. just step into the water, the water is not that deep.. too bad.. well...we just play water lar....huhuhu.... but i intersthing fact which is the flow inside the water, is suprisingly fast.. i bared able to stand...and the river bed is full of rock. walk on it is so hard.. there were accident occur, rock keeep falling. in 1 time, i sudden losen a rock and the rock fall to ain...pity her..i think the rock fall to her leg...but she say she ok..well...i still worried...and also...lala leg had been almost crush by a rock..
that it the life story i want to tell... i having an enjoy time wit them..
hey..i guess this post is boring because no pic...i want put so pic but i have low self-esteem..see my sad face..u all will vomit....hahaha
even with all the excitement, i still didnt feel right. may be because the plan is not in my plan.. or because is the last trip with dyla zura and hilmi.. well.. i gotta make full use of the time spend.. upon arrive at the picnic site, the place seem to be full of nature, well, almost, is not full dense with scrub, not full of mosquito, all quite clean.. the sound of river flow is somewat really slow, not the relaxing sound.. hahaha..
starting of the fire, cook some chicken.. yeah!!! jump to the water...basiclly not jump.. just step into the water, the water is not that deep.. too bad.. well...we just play water lar....huhuhu.... but i intersthing fact which is the flow inside the water, is suprisingly fast.. i bared able to stand...and the river bed is full of rock. walk on it is so hard.. there were accident occur, rock keeep falling. in 1 time, i sudden losen a rock and the rock fall to ain...pity her..i think the rock fall to her leg...but she say she ok..well...i still worried...and also...lala leg had been almost crush by a rock..
that it the life story i want to tell... i having an enjoy time wit them..
hey..i guess this post is boring because no pic...i want put so pic but i have low self-esteem..see my sad face..u all will vomit....hahaha
just come back...CoNgkAk
yeah...i just come back from sungai congkak and have a good time...will post more soon~~~~~~
i'm happy.... is opposite from main theme of this blog...
i'm happy.... is opposite from main theme of this blog...
hot warm night
yesterday is very weird day for me...the internet is so slow until i have nothing to do..all my friend are busy doing design project left me alone in the house....the whole night till 10 pm, i was alone in the house..that time i really need some1 to just do something...i call all my housemate ask where they are...hahahha...funny thing is..it feel like i cant live alone..is my plan to live alone in the future, now think about...can i make it??? is the feasible for me...
well..the whole day was as hot day..even at night...i can feel the heat..i take shower like 5th time in a day...because i feel uncomfortable and the shower make me feel cool....all my stuff already send..now just the luggage, computer and my motorcycle at here...tomoro i will send it to mas cargo...huhuhu....
i'm getting ready to go to sungai congkak... herm... i didnt feel like going because being last person to know....hate it...but i just go to give my support and show that i'm not tat bad person.. well..that could be the last trip i go at here... SUNGAI CONGKAK...HERE I COME!!!
well..the whole day was as hot day..even at night...i can feel the heat..i take shower like 5th time in a day...because i feel uncomfortable and the shower make me feel cool....all my stuff already send..now just the luggage, computer and my motorcycle at here...tomoro i will send it to mas cargo...huhuhu....
i'm getting ready to go to sungai congkak... herm... i didnt feel like going because being last person to know....hate it...but i just go to give my support and show that i'm not tat bad person.. well..that could be the last trip i go at here... SUNGAI CONGKAK...HERE I COME!!!
Monday, May 11, 2009
just send half the stuff
packing all the thing nicely(almost nice) then send to pos office...i been so tired to carry all my stuff like almost 80 kilos....yeah....9 boxes..luck i got hilmi help me carry to carry all those thing...thanks you so much... but somehow at pos office, 2 boxes had been rejected because overweight...damn!!!! in my mind..i need carry those boxes to 4th floor again..my house.. well....is my fault to not consider the weight of the stuff at the first place...i being careless about the stuff i going to send because depress of the future... well... at least i quite relive to pay for nandos for hilmi and me...eat quater chicken....yeah!!!
well....this bring back the stuff..is a burden to carry those thing back to my own home... i know some part of it need to throw it away...but look deep inside me.... do those stuff mean to me.?? for me it is.... next time i work.. next time old... i will look back all this thing.. all the funny writing i wrote... all of this stuff mean is already part of myself... why put this thing in the corner of the house and never look back... because... u know it already still there sitting at the corner and that thing is will memories..a physical stuff memories... that why is hard for to throw it away.. wat i been through, is always been a lesson for me.. already being part of my life ( my life path is engineer/bussiness) and i need to accept it..i refuse to start over again because it will be waste of my time althought i already waste some of it, i just need to improvise, things which are bad can be improve, need to show that i'm not the weak person, prove each step i go is a real matter, but never neglect pass experience/lesson as it perhaps a cure for me. just wish along the way, my pesonality arent change, a cherrfull, caring, gratefull kind and loving person cos i feel opposite way now. i hate my life!!!! even that part of my life already a meet full stop, i need still keep going ( my dream is not engineer but a scientist in physic, i choose engineer because want have stable family with stable job), i need to go this path. create new chapter, that wat life about, keep move on, do wat is best for u
look to the back...i contact back my sista...sharifa..she going to be maaried soon!! well..good news like that of cos i need to contact her... thinking how about the other sista.... 1 i really affraid is cammy... i cant answer myself y i abandon the CSS thing...well...she will forgive me, she always do.. 1 thing again in my mind is try show good impression of goodbye to all my friend.
well....this bring back the stuff..is a burden to carry those thing back to my own home... i know some part of it need to throw it away...but look deep inside me.... do those stuff mean to me.?? for me it is.... next time i work.. next time old... i will look back all this thing.. all the funny writing i wrote... all of this stuff mean is already part of myself... why put this thing in the corner of the house and never look back... because... u know it already still there sitting at the corner and that thing is will memories..a physical stuff memories... that why is hard for to throw it away.. wat i been through, is always been a lesson for me.. already being part of my life ( my life path is engineer/bussiness) and i need to accept it..i refuse to start over again because it will be waste of my time althought i already waste some of it, i just need to improvise, things which are bad can be improve, need to show that i'm not the weak person, prove each step i go is a real matter, but never neglect pass experience/lesson as it perhaps a cure for me. just wish along the way, my pesonality arent change, a cherrfull, caring, gratefull kind and loving person cos i feel opposite way now. i hate my life!!!! even that part of my life already a meet full stop, i need still keep going ( my dream is not engineer but a scientist in physic, i choose engineer because want have stable family with stable job), i need to go this path. create new chapter, that wat life about, keep move on, do wat is best for u
look to the back...i contact back my sista...sharifa..she going to be maaried soon!! well..good news like that of cos i need to contact her... thinking how about the other sista.... 1 i really affraid is cammy... i cant answer myself y i abandon the CSS thing...well...she will forgive me, she always do.. 1 thing again in my mind is try show good impression of goodbye to all my friend.
packing packing packing
is my nature to keep thing..as i go through my stuff.. i found lots of memories... my stuff that i keep since sem 2...but some need throw away... i feel reluctant to throw away some of my stuff but i need too because to to reduce the weight. i really hate to throw it away..
while i see my stuff, i really feel some part of me grown base on cayra, most of the stuff have some connection to her.. the most obvious are pen holder, a frame, a picture we took a studio, a card, cd...lots again..is been left in the box for a while because is a pain to see it all.. but now... even with my unreadyiness to go back..i have to face it also...lala once said to me all this thing should be keep and keep in memories, when we grown old, we can see this thing again and remember how funny i had been..well.... thing are change now..
so.. i need to packing now.. i just pack 4 box... more coming soon.... tired and depress...
while i see my stuff, i really feel some part of me grown base on cayra, most of the stuff have some connection to her.. the most obvious are pen holder, a frame, a picture we took a studio, a card, cd...lots again..is been left in the box for a while because is a pain to see it all.. but now... even with my unreadyiness to go back..i have to face it also...lala once said to me all this thing should be keep and keep in memories, when we grown old, we can see this thing again and remember how funny i had been..well.... thing are change now..
so.. i need to packing now.. i just pack 4 box... more coming soon.... tired and depress...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
unready step
packing thing..see all the past note.. i didnt ready to move forward.. see all stuff while packing..i really dont want to go away from this place...i hate to think forward...
when i wake up, i really afraid that to face the future. i know is not wat i dream of..... may be is not wat i dream of... this moment i really wish i can talk to some1 and give me strength.. i really want to talk... I'M NOT READY TO GO BACK TO LABUAN!!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!!! my heart beeting so hard... really wish my heart stop, really wish my mind stop, really wish my time stop, really wish everything stop.
when i wake up, i really afraid that to face the future. i know is not wat i dream of..... may be is not wat i dream of... this moment i really wish i can talk to some1 and give me strength.. i really want to talk... I'M NOT READY TO GO BACK TO LABUAN!!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!!! my heart beeting so hard... really wish my heart stop, really wish my mind stop, really wish my time stop, really wish everything stop.
Internal Flame
just about today...lots of thing happen...i enter a state that i need to do something for my future... Cayra call me today and ask about me but the phone hang up suddenly...i try call her back but she dont answer the phone (i dont care she dont answer). i wish her brother happy birthday.... then i belanja deedat makan.... i really feel like today i'm quite cheerfull...may be because she call, hear her voice is so nice...
but most suprising is when i talk to my friend, lala. she is a good friend to me... first time in my writing this blog...i tell her about it...the first time i tell some1 that i got an emotional blog telling how sad and lonely my life are.. may be i comfartable talking to her, because she is so nice, understanding abit , and a warm personality.. well... sometimes letting people know how sad we are show u know that person can be count when u needed some1.... i never had intention to show this blog to any1... this blog i just use it speak my feeling out since i have nobody to talk to... well.... admit i got a problem and tell it to people may be is the another step for healing. blur....
baby....i really wish i have 1, u know last time that i really want a dog...actually,, i really want a baby... 1 thing i really miss is care about other... i really do care... but i got an obsestion that i really like to care...like to be busybody... sometimes is annoying... that why i like babies... a girl for sure... a baby girl u need to give all the attendtion to that baby... i know i will be a father, a father that need to support the family.. still i can give my above all care to the baby... may be is my dream to have a baby.. my heart always happy, heavy and desire to have it...
well....internal flame...i just remember this song...i love this song... this song somehow always touch my heart.. since long time ago... may be the song is just tell me how dream feel like to me... an internal flame, my dream always keep me going... i really dont want lose this feeling... everytime i close my eye..i start dreaming...dreaming something wonderfull... this song also ever sang by Cayra.. i really like her voice..sadly i can only heard atomic kitten voice now.. but never mind.... i just close my eye and dream that she beside me inside the car, sang this song.... goodbye memories
hey..i need stop dreaming....i really need stop doing that..but i glad..while write this post, i dreamed something wonderfull, accompany that internal flame
but most suprising is when i talk to my friend, lala. she is a good friend to me... first time in my writing this blog...i tell her about it...the first time i tell some1 that i got an emotional blog telling how sad and lonely my life are.. may be i comfartable talking to her, because she is so nice, understanding abit , and a warm personality.. well... sometimes letting people know how sad we are show u know that person can be count when u needed some1.... i never had intention to show this blog to any1... this blog i just use it speak my feeling out since i have nobody to talk to... well.... admit i got a problem and tell it to people may be is the another step for healing. blur....
baby....i really wish i have 1, u know last time that i really want a dog...actually,, i really want a baby... 1 thing i really miss is care about other... i really do care... but i got an obsestion that i really like to care...like to be busybody... sometimes is annoying... that why i like babies... a girl for sure... a baby girl u need to give all the attendtion to that baby... i know i will be a father, a father that need to support the family.. still i can give my above all care to the baby... may be is my dream to have a baby.. my heart always happy, heavy and desire to have it...
well....internal flame...i just remember this song...i love this song... this song somehow always touch my heart.. since long time ago... may be the song is just tell me how dream feel like to me... an internal flame, my dream always keep me going... i really dont want lose this feeling... everytime i close my eye..i start dreaming...dreaming something wonderfull... this song also ever sang by Cayra.. i really like her voice..sadly i can only heard atomic kitten voice now.. but never mind.... i just close my eye and dream that she beside me inside the car, sang this song.... goodbye memories
hey..i need stop dreaming....i really need stop doing that..but i glad..while write this post, i dreamed something wonderfull, accompany that internal flame
Friday, May 8, 2009
respond to my wake up call
my last post seem about myself wake me up..myself could be right..i should stop dream and admit life is sucks... still even i say to myself that i need to wake up... i sometimes did wake up..but most of time i return to dream again....i cant stop doing it again again again... i just wish i know how my stubbornness end... perrhaps i need to find some closure... i dont know wat is it, how it should be... perhaps some1 can guide me... still my heart are as hard as stone...please...
thinking about it..i need to keep moving forward....next step in i need to find work...i dont know wat should i do.. 1 think for sure is i need to get to profesional status.. that mean i need to work may be at KK...find any consultant company that will hired me.... or may be i just work at labuan...with any contrator which mean i will never get profesional status... this decision is easy to make.. but i really wish i can discuss this with some1....some1 that care... well.... talk to me blog...i share already wit u blog.... be alive for second.... i dreaming again....
thinking about it..i need to keep moving forward....next step in i need to find work...i dont know wat should i do.. 1 think for sure is i need to get to profesional status.. that mean i need to work may be at KK...find any consultant company that will hired me.... or may be i just work at labuan...with any contrator which mean i will never get profesional status... this decision is easy to make.. but i really wish i can discuss this with some1....some1 that care... well.... talk to me blog...i share already wit u blog.... be alive for second.... i dreaming again....
Wake up sylvester
my mind always say to me this quite often.." wake up syl, stop dreaming, she wit some1 else, and the other she also got some1 else, u have nothing now..wake up...stop dreaming... u life suck and get over with..grab some beer and just admit ur life sucks..come on syl....u destroying urself...u just hurt urself even more if u keep dreaming something that is imposible..."
do i listen wat my mind say to myself...i know this world is suck and fulll of suffering...my logic always say that to me...but i like to keep dream all wonderful thing...sadly..inside me also struggle to choose... i hate myself because of that...i hate my life...hard for me be positive...and i always being stubborn..stuborn to every1 and myself..
do i listen wat my mind say to myself...i know this world is suck and fulll of suffering...my logic always say that to me...but i like to keep dream all wonderful thing...sadly..inside me also struggle to choose... i hate myself because of that...i hate my life...hard for me be positive...and i always being stubborn..stuborn to every1 and myself..
Thursday, May 7, 2009
define friendship : Utterly Rubbish
today i wake up wonder will i lose it all....review back many years tat i ever live.. start from form 5 after school... i got a few best friend that always together...gary, sunny boy, bennedict, lee wai hong, khairul anuar, rizwan.. and a few more.. that most best friend of them are gary and sunny boy.. but after school finish..we all going our own way...separate.. we still contact each other.. have a drink.. remember back the old days... hahaha..still i feel the loses of them....
now at matrix..i meet lots of friend...i discover that people all round the place have a kind heart.. people that unknown each other are quite friendly.. till they know the true of each people... my friend on that time if from sabah...edward, azuan, fizila, ayuz, zamir and their gang, and from my class - roddy, rina, zahit, cam, caloline, and lots more..sorry cant remember all...the sad thing is after matrix..i lose all contact wit all of them..is been like 4 years...i didnt ever meet them..is sad for me to think back wat i ever lose...for me... they are so important to me as they look after me.. take care of me.. even just for 1 year..but the friendship is meaningfull because is my first time i encounter people outside.. well...is already gone..may be 1 day try to contact them...i promise..
now now now...how should i value friendship...i already give up try to make activity for my housemate..still they seem dont care...well..i give up...not that i dont care...i do...i really wish it end in good way..perhaps i should let it be..just go with the flow.. this 4 years...all seem fresh to me...here come the boring story
at sem 1, i meet miji, ajak and solehudin. they all nice people.. i still remember that ajak bring his uncle to go to buy my pc, i still remember solehudin been such a nice person...them i meet my course batch..they all seem nice..sad for me because i only 1 person for matrix labuan. that time, my roommate are close to me. after that is sem 2...this bring me to ash...my new roommate..and also solehudin...he pretty much gone at that time...leave the house... ash seem pretty nice guy, very nice...hahaha he still now still my housemate...he is the best friend i got at semenanjung, well..i can say our friendship is just a friend..sadly...i know i can improve but my jealousy....my roommate at penang also are loq, bat, fazimi..they all nice to me...bring me enjoy clubness night out...hahaha..they know how to have fun... over the course..i also meet deedat.. a good friend..he seem wit me all the time..have almost similar mind wit me..pretty much he is almost like a mirror of me in term of thinking...but after long time i know him..we pretty such different.. totally different.. still mind are almost time same..just different in pattern.. at sem 3... i need noradila and zura...dyla is a pretty special girl... is my first time i lay my eye on girl at here.. our friendship start nicely and growning slowly.. miss those moment...through our friendship hilmi join in...hahaha...hilmi in my eye is some1 kind hearted.. willing do anything.. compare the his emotional, my emotional is much dangerous but i will keep it unexplode.. so.... who else... they lots more...is hard to write all my friend..but most of them are good people...oh ya...rasit i should mention... a strong heart person...:P
so.....y i write all of this...because i feel i gonna lose them... ash, deedat hilmi rasit dyla zura and all my batch...i will go back to labuan...then i will lose contact with then...of cos some i look forward to coming back like shikin marriage..that time i hope all are working a happy see each other.. perhaps is my emotion..my emotion that i being lose...i know in my heart when thinking of this...i know myself are crying...welll....i just have to go with the flow...but that flow lead to an unpleasent end....i hope is not like that...
now at matrix..i meet lots of friend...i discover that people all round the place have a kind heart.. people that unknown each other are quite friendly.. till they know the true of each people... my friend on that time if from sabah...edward, azuan, fizila, ayuz, zamir and their gang, and from my class - roddy, rina, zahit, cam, caloline, and lots more..sorry cant remember all...the sad thing is after matrix..i lose all contact wit all of them..is been like 4 years...i didnt ever meet them..is sad for me to think back wat i ever lose...for me... they are so important to me as they look after me.. take care of me.. even just for 1 year..but the friendship is meaningfull because is my first time i encounter people outside.. well...is already gone..may be 1 day try to contact them...i promise..
now now now...how should i value friendship...i already give up try to make activity for my housemate..still they seem dont care...well..i give up...not that i dont care...i do...i really wish it end in good way..perhaps i should let it be..just go with the flow.. this 4 years...all seem fresh to me...here come the boring story
at sem 1, i meet miji, ajak and solehudin. they all nice people.. i still remember that ajak bring his uncle to go to buy my pc, i still remember solehudin been such a nice person...them i meet my course batch..they all seem nice..sad for me because i only 1 person for matrix labuan. that time, my roommate are close to me. after that is sem 2...this bring me to ash...my new roommate..and also solehudin...he pretty much gone at that time...leave the house... ash seem pretty nice guy, very nice...hahaha he still now still my housemate...he is the best friend i got at semenanjung, well..i can say our friendship is just a friend..sadly...i know i can improve but my jealousy....my roommate at penang also are loq, bat, fazimi..they all nice to me...bring me enjoy clubness night out...hahaha..they know how to have fun... over the course..i also meet deedat.. a good friend..he seem wit me all the time..have almost similar mind wit me..pretty much he is almost like a mirror of me in term of thinking...but after long time i know him..we pretty such different.. totally different.. still mind are almost time same..just different in pattern.. at sem 3... i need noradila and zura...dyla is a pretty special girl... is my first time i lay my eye on girl at here.. our friendship start nicely and growning slowly.. miss those moment...through our friendship hilmi join in...hahaha...hilmi in my eye is some1 kind hearted.. willing do anything.. compare the his emotional, my emotional is much dangerous but i will keep it unexplode.. so.... who else... they lots more...is hard to write all my friend..but most of them are good people...oh ya...rasit i should mention... a strong heart person...:P
so.....y i write all of this...because i feel i gonna lose them... ash, deedat hilmi rasit dyla zura and all my batch...i will go back to labuan...then i will lose contact with then...of cos some i look forward to coming back like shikin marriage..that time i hope all are working a happy see each other.. perhaps is my emotion..my emotion that i being lose...i know in my heart when thinking of this...i know myself are crying...welll....i just have to go with the flow...but that flow lead to an unpleasent end....i hope is not like that...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You
hey..i just watch this video on mtv while having snack at Barra.. This video make me feel like i really wish i'm at her position.. everything is a problem, still they love each other.. even a fight, a argument, well in the video they just play each other..tease each other, still they look happy. damn... it ever happen to me last time, i can remember how nice the feeling, how happy, well..last time we love each other, nothing can make us sad when we together..everything seem so perfect tat time..miss those...
looking in the lyric..eveything is about the title of the song.. is as simple as that..example.".Said you'd never come back, But here you are again" the guy will always come back..even he say otherwise.. and "But you're pretty messed up too, Anyway I found out I'm nothing without you" kelly can know everything is not perfect, boht of them are mess up, but she realise she need him. they belong together.
i like to listen to love song as it keep my dream feel alive and feel real for a second, but at the same time, i miss those moment alot when i heard the song. make me feel relief, happy and sad. just by listen to song!!! a mix feeling!!! hahahaha.. move on syl!!!! my life already suck...!!! good night and good luck for exam tomoro syl...
looking in the lyric..eveything is about the title of the song.. is as simple as that..example.".Said you'd never come back, But here you are again" the guy will always come back..even he say otherwise.. and "But you're pretty messed up too, Anyway I found out I'm nothing without you" kelly can know everything is not perfect, boht of them are mess up, but she realise she need him. they belong together.
i like to listen to love song as it keep my dream feel alive and feel real for a second, but at the same time, i miss those moment alot when i heard the song. make me feel relief, happy and sad. just by listen to song!!! a mix feeling!!! hahahaha.. move on syl!!!! my life already suck...!!! good night and good luck for exam tomoro syl...
Monday, May 4, 2009
Unchange mind
4 days i didnt post at this blog. why? because i will say the same thing everytime. my mind keep thinking the same thing. i know i have to move on, stop living the past, wake up!!!! still my mind keep fixed to same thing....come on lar syl!!! stop it!!! i always angry to myself, i being too stuburn even didnt take advice from myself... now i really piss off....i dont know how to change myself, even self motivation are not working... wat again heard people advice, i know since begining people already advice me...but still..i hate myself because i still unchange..wat my point of view in this life??? i hate my life...ungratefull..full of shit...and just try to be normal, survive. i really cant bear this...everytime i try to move on, my mind keep thinking about it...
but 1 thing i really sure...i miss her so much...time passes but the feeling are keep the same...my jealousy of other people life, not they are better, but they certainly are happy.. me?? inside me like so damn broken...feeling happy sometimes..but most of time feeling sad.. memories keep repeating.. mind keep dreaming... i dont know wat keep me alive.. may be because i still dreaming..tat keep me alive..dream tat never come true...only despair arrive..
even i'm sad..but i still keep in touch most important thing going to happen... farewell... the day that i will lose everything that happen in last 4 years...i hope it end in good way, good memories, and friendship forever...i dont want lose it again, whereby after farewell, i became totally lonely...!!!
but 1 thing i really sure...i miss her so much...time passes but the feeling are keep the same...my jealousy of other people life, not they are better, but they certainly are happy.. me?? inside me like so damn broken...feeling happy sometimes..but most of time feeling sad.. memories keep repeating.. mind keep dreaming... i dont know wat keep me alive.. may be because i still dreaming..tat keep me alive..dream tat never come true...only despair arrive..
even i'm sad..but i still keep in touch most important thing going to happen... farewell... the day that i will lose everything that happen in last 4 years...i hope it end in good way, good memories, and friendship forever...i dont want lose it again, whereby after farewell, i became totally lonely...!!!
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