Hello. Tears always flow. It never. Stop. Move on and scare the past. Heart always feel like pain.

No matter how forward looking, it always fall down

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Depression

Yes. I think I got it. But is not a big deal right? Haha.

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Long time

So long didn't update this blog. I'm in trouble with myself. Is hard for me to explain what going on, it had worry me forever. Is wish to say more but I can't.

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Ok. Today start working. No more holiday till x'mas which is kinda long way to go. My mind trouble me for some times. I try to admit that it wont end up failure, but success, i hope so. I been thinking about this for almost a month and yet still no result.

i don't want to wait longer. Tomoro is the day. I think. Give me strength.

oh damn... sorry about last post... i just found out she gonna tie the knot soon... so... gonna move on soon... hehe.. i'm happy for a reason...although i still chasing a dream, everything still uncertain. i still worry the outcome. well hope the best for me. and valentine day is coming soon.. that wat i'm worry about.

old stuff inside car

The car still got your stuff. It remind me of you. Your checklist of what to buy, it remind me of your big round word, the way your write, i once admire it, compare wit my writing, yours is unique. I also found your medical record, since small you always go to clinic. I also found your contact lens tear drop. It remind me of your big round contact lens.

all those stuff, i never wanted to throw away, it remind me how we spend our time inside the car. But yesterday, i started to throw it. Is been like 2 or 3 years, i lose count, yet, the scar haven't heal. Keep remind me that every step i take, i need to carefull, i don't wan add another line of scar.

Pain is always pain. Your hand cliped by door, your finger cut by paper, your lips by your teeth, or even scar of old pass. There a limit in pain, but emotionally, we just gonna stand up by our own and hope some1 will kiss the wound.

in my life, there are none, while i looking for some1, the some1 are just repeating the one cause me the pain. For example, sms heavely with i'm beside or call some1 while i'm around, i still remember last time, is painful last time and yet is painfull to remember back.

life is always unfair,i lower my expectation for this world, still there aren't perfect. What you wan me to do? Just let go everything, and expect nothing, then my life would be meaningless.

life is bad. Now, at this point, i just hope, really hope, some1 will touch me, and say is not the end, i'm still around. That word, that touch, will be forever to be achieve.

what can i say dear? You had ruin my past, hurt me so bad, and you had a good life. I wish for your best, but mine, i didn't. Someday i will find some1 like you, and hopefully, same mistake wont repeat. By now, pain still pain, feel the same.

I'm so happy that i watched repunzel : tangled tales. The movie is not tat magical, just nice wit repunzel chase her dream, a comman thief became charming as usual. A kingdom that wait for coming of princess.

i'm happy cos i was able watch wit cindy. To be able watch fairy tales with some1. Is one of my dream for a long time, but it is almost what my dream, in my dream is wit special some1.

hope disney will make more movie like this is coming year.

We assume that really serious changes in our life happened slowly, over time, but is not true, this stuff happen in instance. As like, Becaming an adult, becaming a parent, becaming a working person. One minute you not, and the next minute, you are. As became a lover, we all remember the first sight. Whatever is it, we rarely forget. And Sometimes, we don't even know anything changes, you think you still you, and your life is still your life, and you wake up one day and look around, you don't realise anything, anything change at all.

for you informantino, you never forget the moment you became love some1, the first lips, suddenly you not inside a dream anymore, you play it, but you may not notice the moment you love some1, it changes you.

is true. Change me, change you. Overtime also change, till all gone. And change me again for the worst. It all happen in a blink of a eye. We don't realise it.

We living in the world of constant progess and forward motion. Stand still for a second and you'll be left behind. But as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always come back to bite us in the ass. And as history show us again and again, those forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

sometimes the past is something that we can't let go of, and sometimes the past we will do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that change everything we know about the present.

i got lot of past that inside me, i don't know to let it go or forget it. It keep burden me day after day. But there is past the i learned, there no such thing as fairy tales or love. But i still believe it. Hehe.

i try to not look back. But it always come bite me. I read your mind, sort of, i do able feel something. It always you. You happy, i'm happy. You sad, i'm sad. Why the connection still there. I could be dreaming. I try move forward. I know there a light in the end, but i don't wish the connection cut off.

The quiet. Peace is not permanent state. It exist in moments, freeding, gone before we knew it is there. We can experience it at anytime, at stranger act of kindness, a task that required complete focus, or simply comfort of old routine. Everyday we all experience this moment of peace, the trick is know when it happening, so that we can embrace them, live it them. And finally, let them go.

so. What it all that mean. Peace. Everyday i struggle to find happiness, but peace, the only thing i would like to find is peace of my mind, hehe, which is the moment i found some1. Ok. I know is weird. But i just hope i can identify what it peace for me, then try to embrace it. So what yours?

In order to get good diagnosis, doctor had constantly change their perspetive. We start by getting patient point of view, thou they often don't have clue whats going on. So we look up the patient from every possible angle, we rule things out, we uncover new information, trying to get to whats actually wrong. We ask for second opinion, hope they will see something other might miss. for the patient, a fresh perspetive can mean the different between living and dying. For the doctor, it can mean we picking a fight wit every1 you got there before you.

when we handed an outcome that horrible to face, that when we will get second opinion. And sometimes, the answer we get just confirm the our worse fear, but sometimes, it can shed new life on the problem, make you see it in whole new way. After all the opinion had been heard, and every point of view already being consider, you finally find what you after, the truth. But the truth is where ends, that just the begining, a whole new set of question.

i constantly think of my problem. There alot to think of. It make me really scare. But lucky, sometimes, if i'm comfortable enough, i will seek friend help, and ask their opinion, sometimes, my thinking were too narrow, hehe. Still, till now, i still don't get the truth. I still thinking the same problem till now.

even so, after settle one problem, a whole new one will arise.

When you get sick, it start one single lone bacteria, pretty soon it duplicate, became 2, those 2 became 4, and those 4 became 8. Then, before your body know it, it under attack. Is an invasion. The question for doctor is, what if invasion had landed, once there taken over the body, how the hell to get rid of them.

what do you do when the infection hits you, when it take over. Do you do what you suppose to do and taking your medicine, or you learn to live wit that thing and hope some day it goes away,or do you give up entirely and let it kill you.

well. We always go problem. Small problem, then another small problem, then it lead to bigger problem. For me right now, failure after failure, bigger problem right now is i'm getting more hopeless and lonely. But still not an big problem, not yet. Well. Like i said, there 3 choice, fix the problem, learn to live wit it, or just let it eat me. I don't know what i choose, in this stage. I still choose the number 1. There still a hope, i just wish for it.

I never feel good or something like that, i mean currently now. I'm indeed a loser, there no colour in my life, is only stagnant lifeless life. I wake up every morning, start everyday for myself. There nothing to hope for. There nothing to care for. Only thing make me happy is buy more worthless thing or wish for better thing. I try to improve. I try my best to just enjoy life. But there no meaning if enjoy it alone. Watch movie alone. Watch drama alone. I hate it that word, alone. Sometimes, how i wish i can pay some1 just be my friend. There's nothing.

i'm not complainting my life suck. I try. I try to call up and meet up. Is just weird. Suddenly call up. Say wan to meet. I feel bad because there are things i wan in life, i wan it so much, which is love.

thinking about joining the military, or be a volunteer. At least can love a country or a humanitary.

Past 2 weeks, i feel a bit down. Reasons? I think too much. Why i think too much? Is because i'm scare pass will haunt me back, i scare to make same mistake. But i know those mistake is because who i am. I really some kind of busy body.i want to know everything, so i usually ask how what why. Is really hard to not know. Ok. Is abit out of topic.

i scare i care so much, i scare i'm want to know to much, i scare to be there all the time and want to know everything happen. Is my mistake last time. I don't wan to make same mistake. But i can't. I will make the mistake.

why is so hard. I know we got choose, i know there more in life. Why it is so important. I don't understand myself. I been lonely too long.

because of me, i also say to myself, but be too rush, slow a bit, i try, and it effect me too much. Perhaps the other side aren't looking on same item, is me that look for it.