Thursday, April 30, 2009

Countdown to pass up the design project

seem lots of person have finish out side my room. rasit already give up hope. deedat stand till the last hour, ber keep cool, ash calm donw his group, hilmi trying to catch the time, saifur still writing design pad. me wait for dyla for printing amd wondering where wanna and Am, they want my grant chart.

i so excited at this final hour as it give me lots of anderline juice. yeah.... we all are last minute student.

Continously tired

is been a while i never posted in this blog, i miss it so much. it always in my mind, thinking what to post, wat heart feel to let go. i think this blog had heal me in in some part, still i assume this blog as my new friend, a place to share my problem, my feeling, wat i feel to tell. i know is weird because this is a public blog, and i feel some1 got read about this blog, still some part of me feel like want people know the real me, how fragile are me, how weak are me. for those people that read this blog, leave so footprint, i know this blog is full of sad emotion, contribute anything to ease my pain, please.

talking about respond, 1 of my friend come talk to me about my condition, well, i know she been read my blog, and feel need to do something. thank majorie for ur support, is been a while never been feel cared, i remember all her word, tell me wat to do. thanks again. i will try to do it but some part of me are stuburn, i try to change for sake of move on. actually, i heard all those word before, all the word are the same, still i too stuburn to hear it, doing the opposite. sorry for those i dissapointed, i know myself are a weak being, full of disadvantage.

thinking about that i would like to change my blog topic. find something to positive and still express my sad feeling at the same time. i put my topic in other language is because i would like hide my main topic which is sad and lonely.

yesterday is final year project submition, i been busy editing my report, complied it to 2 cd and print the cover. talking about it seem it is easy but it actual hard. the report need to be in pdf, my supervisor want extra in the cd and the cover required to be in the correct format. well... at the time i submit all those thing, it went as smooth as sail go off to sea.

i dont know lar wat happen today. but today, i feel happy, my heart filljoyfull, a smile on my face. even tomoro i need to submit design project which have huge piles of work to check and done. still i didnt feel worry. may be because i meet dyla today and have a normal talk as usual. my mind always think of wat had happen, but i get through it by thinking how i miss her, is been a while we never comunicate. hahaha. is soon month......sad

still my mind always got Cayra, perhaps i name this blog a cayra, sorry Majorie, i try to move forward. still all thing happen i really want share it wit her. may be share this in blog will replace her, still talking on blog wit no respond may me feel like i talking to myself. (tears)

Monday, April 27, 2009

New games - Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War II

this games is kinda interesting, the single player campaign is kinda like playing role playing games and none strategy at all. talking about play a strategy game and have none in the single games, the due the fact that the developer want something different in the story telling, i just play the beging of the story so i cant tell much. even the race i also forget, i ever played dawn of war 1, but still it blur me out.

the game play if kinda hard to me, i'm not strategy type of person and my usual method is brutal force. attack wit large army. hahaha. this this game i need to control 4 different unit and each unit got its own ability, i cant do that, too much to think. i can say i'm good to Dota because the training but that i can manage because u only control 1 unit. my head pop up while play DoW 2. may be i should try total war. see is it really i'm not strategy person.

today my mum call me, ask me how i send my stuff back to labuan. i may be use pos malaysia to send my books and stuff but i dont how to send my motorcycle. i got idea bring it to mascargo but i dont know where is klia, huhuhu. she also ask about my situation wit cayra, still till now i didnt tell them the truth about us, well, may be i still in my dream and cant admit it. i dont know how i go back to labuan and tell them. the time will soon come and i need to face it.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Test blogging on mobile

Test run on blogging using phone


wake up and saw a miss call..that how my day begin today. wake up at later afternoon, open my eye, think ahead how my life would be. as i just finish my games, the last remnant, i basically nothing to do today. i think i will watch the tv series that i had download. which is Terminator, sarah connor. i seldom look at my phone, no1 will contact me anyway, but today, i took my phone and before i look, i say to myself those star news will be in my inbox. but surprisingly, there were miss call. is been a while i get a call except from my parent. may be once in a week. guess wat. is dyla call, i dont know why she call, but she call, i msged her ask her y, and no replies. well at least my day start with diferent routine. so i say to myself, today will a bit diferent, give a smile to myself.

she call me to ask about ramp, huhuhu, i though she gonna ask how am i doing, but dream on syl, it will never happen, she wont ask that question. i call her when she miss call me. at least u can talk to her. hahaha. life as boring as it are.

so all the day i spend is watch tv series, watch numb3rs wit hilmi, and watch terminator alone. i also discover 1 thing, i discover cayra old email which is, well, the email is die of cos so i give so life on that email and wake it up. now is register under me. hahaha. my day surely full of disappoinment.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Miss the class day

is been a week already i didnt attend any class, that last class is the design class, i really miss the feel of wake up in the mornign and get ready to be go to class. i know is boring and we never get excited to go to class and heard the boring lecture. still is way of student life. i guess my student life will end soon. i need to be a responsible adult. even now i still scare my future. soon i will know how my life would be. i planning to have a pet, a dog, that wat i thinking.

to tell u all a secret wat make me excite every time i go to class. everytime i go to class, i always look for dyla. she the reason i go to class. could be i scare of Absenton my attendent, could be i scare of i miss out wat to learn, or scare got quiz. i always try to look good to her, except that i cant be there on time. i always have problem wit my time, i always like to do things at last mint. that i hard to improve. so everyday since sem 2, i go to class ust because of her.:) sem 1 i go to class because i just follow my roommate(rosemiji, le, ajak), they goes, i goes.

now the campus life had almost finish, just a couple of week, then we all go our own way. i hope the farewell will be a wonderfull one, but i guess it wont happen because i feel i got problem wit her, the ending are sad 1. nevertheless, each time i think of my Uni/campus life, i will always think of her and all my friends.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Cayra Mum b'day

Yesterday is cayra mum b'day. i only send her a sms wish her happy b'day. to think of it, she kinda feel like my mum. i know that since the day i know i need to leave cayra. the thing that i really sad to leave is them. when they know we gonna break up soon, she always pray hard for me. always tell me that God is always there help for us. i sometimes call her ask how is she doing. she always feel like happy when talking to me. since cayra leave the house, i seldom sms her ask about cayra. i know is silly to accept them as family as i and cayra is nothing, but them already accept me as their family since i know cayra. they always liked me. but now, perhaps is just a memories, and i hope that memories will replay back again. there are lots in my mind when i talk about this, is hard for me to say it all, someday, i will tell it all on this blog.

i read cayra blog about a family value, i know she always did the best the family, i know every thing about her to the family. i really understand wat going on. still that is not enough. even on her recent blog, i didnt exist anymore.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Exam CM

today is exam for construction management. is kinda theory subject.. i usually good in this theory subject because i able to elaborate theory easily but now my head feel like a stone. i try to think any logical answer for my question and i just unable to get it. and i may be know why

i may be drink alot of alcohol lately, and this could be the side effect of it. i need to stop drinking regularly but i cant.

it could be my new life style, i been in my room too much and only play games, sleep and watch movie, all this activity make my brain inactive at all time. nothing i can do about it, i have to do be like this because everytime i start thinking, i will think my sad problem and this make me sad alots more. so i have to continue my activity.

after that could be i sad too much, in my mind i think more about my sad condition and never look positive side of my life, but is true, i feel i have no positive side of my life other than glab being alive. huhuhu

or could be i seldom talk English to any1, last time the person i talk english to is cayra, now i never talk english to any1. or perhaps my lack of comunication had decrease my thinking capability.

or could be i didnt read alot, last time i usually read magazine but now, i read none...huhuhu...

well..i know my weakness, i know that i should improve, but is hard for me, i need some motivation and i keep finding it. i hope i can change for this coming water exam...

Monday, April 20, 2009

her status - no matter how hard u try, he won't fall for u

sad to know it.. i been look her every moment i could.. ireally wish i know wat happen, even it hurt me.. knowing is much better that dont know anything. make me feel my hope are falling.. still..i will keep my faith.. i love u honey...try on me instead..i wont dissapointed u dear..

Bad dream or Good Dream

i just woke up and had a weird dream.. the that i hope is true.. in the dream.. i meet Cayra, is seem to be we talk for a while..i cant remember wat we talk...but i remember that last part is i on her shoulder and feel like miss her so much..she said to me that she love me so much..but i feel she had to let me go...we both cry..i look disbelief..but i know it already happen and i already been throught look so real..i dont know wat it mean..i hope my dream are coming true..that this break up is just a test of me..i really hope in future we are together.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

love bird

i go to McD just now..and saw to love birs in front of me studying. they seem so happy and i jealous of them..i really feel i want be in that situation. i really miss some1 hold my head..i really miss some1 hold my hand..all those feel that we been cared, we been loved. i really wish i had it now.. last time, when i in this situation, i always say to myself, this holiday i will meet cayra, had have our happy moment..hahaha...but now..i say to myself..i have no one to do that.. i just have to hold my more warm more hug..i just a lonely desperate guy..sad..

feeling worst

everyday everynight, i had a bad feeling, always, at the end of the day, i always recap my life, at the beginning of my day, i always plan my life. everyday, all those thing burden me, at the end of the day, i say good night to myself, i say another lonely day, and i ask how are me, and i reply, i had a bad day, i miss about my old life, old life that i use to share wit other(cayra). now the only person i share is myself, or this blog.

at morning, i thinking about how i get throught this day, how i spend my day, my answer is always my life sucks, i can say i'm gradefull of my life, but i wasn't. i cant be happy, i sad all the time, and no1 know i'm sad, i hate my life, and i only think present and never future. answer in the morning is time passes quickly please, i cant stand it anymore.

this feeling had been wit me since she left me. i cant be positive in my life useless something wonderfull happen. i try make things wonderfull but still my cycle of routine make me everyday feeling worst. so...wat gonna i do? the only answer time will tell..i just have to wait, till then, feeling worst will keep haunt me..

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Play games

everyday i been playing the last remnant, is a nice game, every addictive.. i play it non-stop, from i wake up till i sleep. well i guess i play game to just forget the real world look like, time pass quick when playing games, i really cant feel my problem. i just play play play, till i sleepy, this process had been like this since last week.

but now, i feel i really wish i can talk to some1, i really wish i can talk to Cayra, playing game make me lonely and i dont dont feel it. i really wish i can have a fight, have a hard time, have a good time, anything, as long as i can talk to her. i really need to make my life usefull, i really need find so inspiration to keep me motivated, i feel useless..

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

another unenjoyable day

today i went to sungai gabai, quite a nice place, full of nature and running water, very relaxing, but somehow, i didnt enjoy my time, think about last day i will spend wit my friend in UiTM, and also, everything nice must be share wit some1 u care. me just admire it all alone, no1 there t appreciate it.

not just tat, deedat and my housemate are also dont follow. not important for then, but for me, is kinda important, spend every last moment before i go back.. after this i may be will not able to meet then. sad.... well.. my mind now is how to bring them go out together. i planning to go to waterworld. come on lar..huhuhuhu..

well i'm still sad....thinking about my uncertain future. life is not fairy tale...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I Dreamed A Dream

I Dreamed A Dream

hey...i just found a song that can remind me..that show my dream that will never true..i sad most of the time to think my life are really suck..i once dream a happy life, a happy life with beloved Cayra. The beginning of the song remind me that i start dream of my dream..that time we so in love, i dream that we will be together, together in for the rest of my life, everything gone well as dream, is like a journey to in a wonderful garden, so happy, we hope the same way, feel the same way

but now, as the tiger come as in the song, everything change, my dream is really became just a dream, i really wish she come to me, as i dream of. so my life now is so different to the dream the i dream off...well the end lyrics so the life have kill the as we grown off, change according to time..a dream is just a wonderful hope that we really wish it happen.. it could happen or simple went wrong..well i still dream wat i dream, hope the dream will someday will come true, may be not wit you Cayra, but stilll our dream it is my most unforgetable, memoriable, joyfull and wonderfull dream, u always in my heart.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Start talking very simple...but wat make me so hard to talk to dyla is..wat i feel for her...i can pretend nothing happen...i dont know i should ask her or not about wat happen..thing is so hard for me..

anyway...i'm happy she talk talk to me...but i still feel i want more..i just i need to limit myself..i deeply need some1 help...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Help them in drama

today start a day wit IDP, my day was so boring, i dont have anyting to do in the class.
the thing i scare is talk to dyla, i keep on avoid her, i dont know wat to say to her. i feel so weird. i dont know wat she feel, i wish i can ask. damn.. so i decide i go back early. rather feel worry, scare, better if i stay in my room and sleep

then, something happen, dyla call me, she ask me to help her in the drama, of cos i help her...she also ask me why i'm go back early, i dont know she care about that, all this litte thing make lift me up a bit, at least i know she still think a bit about me..hahaha drama..i try my best to just be normal, but in some point, the arkwardness kick in, some times i stay quiet..i just hope some1 talk to me, i guess i will be in that way.. not in lighten mood..but i try my best in acting..:P

today cayra post about her test, she join some kind of audtion, i wish i know better...

i really dont know wat to look up in my life...i have no faith in anything..

Friday, April 3, 2009

Mandirin test

today got mandirin test...i damn dont know how to write to conversation least i didnt study hard for no regratz...

today...i mean another failure...huhuhu..i should talk to normal talk..but i cant..i face too much of tension to think about wat she feel..may is time to forget wat happen and be like normal..i should think like that but i still worried..

the whole day i watch movie...waste my time like that...i got things to do but i just let it go like that..sadly...i need some1 tell me wat to do...i can do it myself but i dont have that kind of motivation huhuhu...

i wondering wat cayra doin today...she finally write her heart feel different..i really wish i can know wat happen

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Baskin Robin

Today is 31th of march, is 31% discount for all the ice cream

wat is ice cream for me..well..i a food to eat..nice to thing to eat..but i didnt feel like to eat..i really wish i can eat with some1

well...i go to bukit raja wit hilmi to buy it..tat time i was thinking should i buy it or not..then i thinking to buy it for things for her my mind say that she wont appreciate it, but my heart tell me give ice cream to her. so i follow my heart to buy it for her..i know is stupid but i have to follow my heart also. i also buy ice cream for ash..hahaha

so...what is all mean, for me, eating something nice, sweet and enjoyable should be share among other that u care. simple.. eating it alone make my feeling worst.. better drink beer alone.. so i buy ice cream to dyla and ash because i care for them and want to see them happy eating ice cream..simple..

see ash happy eat ice cream...i wondering is she eating ice cream or not..well...i wish i can call asnd ask..but that wont happen..i know i been avoiding her, i just dont want my heart hurt even more... how i wish everything is so simple by able to call her.. somehow i miss cayra in the mist of my wondering..wish i can send her ice cream too