Is been a while i didn't post at this blog since thursday.. I'm at kk now.. Having holiday at kk wit family.. Before i tell my journey to kk.. I want share about my life.. What happen since my last post..
on thursday night, i went to cayra parent house.. She not there.. Well.. Along the way to the house, i feel that is like a flashback, thing that i do routine when i'm at lbn had happen again.. But somehow, even i feel like excited because that usually the feeling i got when go to the house.. But this time, a feeling of lost, misses, and sad, things had changed to worst, this time i'm going there and she not there.. Well is so sad.. What to do.. When i arrive, i welcome by the family quite well. The treatment i get is the same as last time when i'm wit cayra.. Well.. This make me miss her again.. The reason i go there because i feel i want go there, to just see them because i feel i'm in the family already.. Well.. I need to change that feeling because i'm no longer wit cayra, having accept them will be too much over.. You can't be family wit some1 that had rejected me, is not right.. We talk about me, mostly me.. Haha.. Thing feel different now..
and this friday.. Nothing much i can talk.. I know where i will be interview.. Know what time.. This feel the puzzle i that need to complete.. Now.. I need to get ready about the interview, such as, my cloth, my certificate, and my confident..
now.. I want to tell about my journey to kk.. I'm going to kk using ferry. At kuala penyu, i attend wedding kenduri, the kenduri is really not i expected, the food can say is different, haha.. At kk, i stay at my aunt justina house. I went to 1borneo, do some shopping.. But 1 thing in my mind, my bad memories arise, here, i been abandon and rejected by some1. That time i willing do anything because i love her so much.. Still that not enough at that time.. Sadly time had passes.. I need to move on.. Ok lar.. I will tell more about my holiday at kk again..
today i only play DOTA... nothing much i can do.... i really feel i going to be crazy.... my car being use by my parent... i really miss some1....she feeling sick... wat else i can say... nothing to do... ok... that all my post today...
ko chong?? is a packed rice... today is the celebration of it... so my mum take leave from work to make it... today nothing interesting happen.. nothing in my mind... same thing i think about... hahaha
i just apply job 1 place...nothing i can hope for....herm..... boring day for me.. thinking about some1.. nothing can do about it...
is been a while i never write something serious in my blog.. all the time i write wat i feel.. how i should do this, do that..wat happen.. so.. my view of my life?? hard to say.. at this moment, the only thing i think is my life sucks... hahaha come on syl... ur life is more than that.. i view my life seem to be empty.. nothing special happen in my life.. seldom happy moment.. everynight i feel like want to talk... just feel want to feel secure that my life is actually fine... well... i dont have that... that make me feel that the life is useless.. hey... 1 thing i learn is be apprieciate my life much better.. things around the world always change.. nothing stay there forever.. i lost someting important to me, could be because of me, my life last time is like just let it be.. i dont really care wat happen around me, only care about 1 person.. well.. that could be my mistake.. i only see in 1 person..
now.. all are gone.. i have to start a new one.. i have to see different way.. i have to move forward.. but at same time, i always looking at my back... i know is not healty, but that only give me strenght.. i not the person that have job, have means of going anyway, have friend that will help me, handsome, have a special some1.. basicly... i have nothing to hold on to move forward... i only have my studies, few friends, and my family well... that the only thing i have... i believe there is more... but none can help me... i always believe that special some1 will help, will share the future together, share the same dream.. things arent working well.. wat can i do now?? well just move forward... open my mind.. see thing lots of point of view..
the other thing i would like to say, i dont blame other for my journey, is a tough road i can say.. i accept the road but just hate it.. every step i take, i feel like damn suffer.. i know i sometimes didnt respect other.. i do whatever i want.. i feel sorry for that.. i know i'm a boring person.. weak person.. althought inside me is full of love, kindness, caring... wat can i say.. world is cruel.. and i still sick!!!!!
this mornig i going to the market...my Toyota Corrola Car damn hot.... i last time can stand the heat but now.... i almost reach my limit.... the car is hot...
hey..i would like to add up this post... is too short... :P so... wat my plan this week??? today.. is Monday... may be i need to start finding work... yerp...1 thing to do...find work...
one thing...some1 in trouble... i wish i can help... well.. just stay quite..
ok... i already told myself it just a dream... it will never happen... and guess wat... it was really a dream... but i use the hard way to know it just a dream... i knew that msg is not for me, wat i believe is is for me is wasnt, i hope too much...think about impossible too much... damn... there no such thing as happy ending... there not such thing as fairy tales.. movie only happen about 2 hours... our lifetime??? forever we live... thing arent simple, well planned, and done accordingly..
this wat happen.. i call her.. well..it going well actually.. her voice change but still the same.. may be talk a bit differently as some moment she speak malay... i was kinda suprise.. last time i'm the one that use malay at some moment.. haha... we talk about how well we are.. she doing fine.. of cos i'm have to say i'm ok... even inside me is not tat fine.. just barely fine.. she sound like she happy.. i'm of cos happy for her.. may be she indeed find some1 special.. well.. i wish i'm that person.. still... my want to know ALL about her still the same.. i really wish i can ask everything about her.. but i need keep my limit... sadly... and also my life is not that significant for her... 1 thing i really fear.. is she know about this blog.. i guess she dont know.. i dont want show that i'm tat weak.. still have feeling for her..
well... is actually nice conversation.. just dissapointed that she dont want hang out wit me.. i guess is too fast to do that... perhaps she need some time and space.. well... 1 thing for sure... i cant stand living at labuan like this... 1 day i will show that i will be sucessfull person..
well..i guess is a mistake...it wasnt for me... impossible... i know lots of people ask me how was it.. is say it is short.. inconclusive.. and well... disappointing.. but i dont let it stop me.. right now i going to pick up my sibling.. may be treat them to McD lunch...:P and go to Maybank for my ATM card... is invalid!!!
hey...again....i forget my charger...damn...i dont know where i put it..any1 got charger??
like i said before, tomoro i may be going to do it... going try to call... well... i feel kinda scare now... wat i scare... well.... same thing that ever happen to me.. may be it just my feeling.. may be that wasnt for me... well...tomoro we will know it... i didnt find peace now....my heart feel different... i hope i had a good nigh sleep.
other thing worried about me is why i do this so slow..i missing the chance..and i also worried that she sick again.... well.... is my fault that i'm slow and weak...
oh damn..... new msg again... and this is so obvious.... is that really for me.... or i been played?? or i just dreaming that was for me... i'm scare....i'm scare i'm was wrong.... every people as tell me just call pick up the phone and dial... well is not that simple for me... last time is hurt so much... time passes... wound are healing as i write this blog for healing process... i started trust wat important in my life which is God.. i dont dare to face it again... but i will move forward.. meaning i had to face my fear... may be tomoro... i try... early morning i try to call... is too fast, i know.... but moving forward mean getting clossure, letting it go... if not i will haunted... but i scare for wat will happen.. i weak to face failure... hope that God be wit me...
i wan go to market....well i'm at labuan, meaning my grandma will took advantage of me, sending her to market.. i think she dont know the situation.. well.... my grandma like her so much... i dont want break her heart... huhuu.. ok lar.... 1 last thing... dont know that msg for me or not.... inside me say i missssss u toooo... moving forward syl..
just finish cook the lunch... herm...cooking.... why do i like to cook in the first place?? could be i want impress some1 with it, cook something delicious, making cookie, making cheese cake, making papaya jerk. now i feel i got nothing to impress of, just a routine, huhuhu... each afternoon some1 come visit me.... hahaha
well..when i think of this.i should think of this... i need to move on... bu this home hold many memories... each of it i need to let it go... let it pass.... :( herm.... this morning after wake up, knowing some1 feeling sick.. i worried a bit... usually i will bring her o clinnic and ask for mc.... hahaha...well.... she can take care of herself...and syl!!! stoping living in the past....
i guess i start need to make my CV or resume.... my detail is not impresssive.... sad...
yerp... the whole day i'm thinking of it...i still now sure... as the previous post about the confusing thing...i still confuse....i need some1, something.... should i just do it?? i still not sure who that msg for, well.... may be i just go as it advice, go meet them, but everynight seem they have activity with the church, this weekend will be keamatan mass..
PS. for u all not sure what msg about, where it came from, i like to show it but i scare it was not for me.... so.... sorry about the sercet....
as the topic said...i so bored.... and a bit confuse... all my heart, my mind tell me to just do it.. well..my logic say dont..i'm just dreaming... it wont be tat simple.. not simple like just pick up the phone and dial... after wat happen, wat going on, wat could be will happen, i just confuse... it just a msg, u dont know who the msg for, it feel like for me, but i dont want be Perasaan that for me, hahaha..this confusing is make me crazy, i dont know wat is see, read, heard should be trusted.
well...i still need to do something like cook, clean my room. and watch tv....
going back to labuan were never the same...my usually routine were change..i didnt pick up some1, go to some1 house. have dinner wit... well... it is change..still i try to be positive about it for wat had happen...
i confuse wit something..is it me that being disappointed by my family, friend or some1. of cos my parent never disappointed me... hahaha... well..they ask me to find work at kk, any of the consultant company.. perhaps i been dreaming... still i wondering wat it is disappointed about... it couldn't be me....
At last i arrive at labuan.. Now waiting for my bag.. My night mare had come true, this place where everything come, where everything create. Last time i leave this place wit change life, now i come back here, wit the same life it change.. I need to be strong.. I need to think positive.. This place remind me lots of good memories, remind me of happiness.. Now it just memories.. I need start new chapter of memories, new life. I wish it didn't end this or start this way, but i know the true is different from i wish for.
right now, i really wish i go back home and lock myself.. I can't face it.. Strong is easy word to say.. But doing it, i need lots of prayer.. I need to open my mind.. Open my heart, accept new thing..
syl.. Welcome back to labuan, the place that you dedicate so much..
Nervous.. Worried.. Sacred.. Feel really disappointed, and sad.. This the feel when at gate going back to my hometown.. Times passes quickly.. I never think this would actually happen.. I really feel worried.. Worried that is it true.. I'm scare.. Scare that it happened.. I'm nervous because i know this time forward.. Is all unknow for me.. Lord.. Please help me.. I know this time will come, but i don't know it feel so quick.. So soon.. Owh damn.. I actually will face this.. Nevertheless.. I try to be strong.. Let the pass go, keep the memories as lesson.. And keep moving forward.. I know my life path.. I will stick to it.. I try.. I can't promise myself.. But i try.. Lonely doesn't mean the end, but it open up new way of looking the world.. Friends.. They are all around us.. I'm sad to leave my friend as i'm going back.. But friendship will not stop.. I will try keep contact..
my plan at lbn is to stay quite.. I really can't face it.. I will need time.. Sorry..
yerp..just finish my dinner... and i'm happy... cant tell u all why... is a secret... 1 thing for sure i'm happy and glad.... yeah!!!!!! hahaha..... i still wont tell.... hahaha....
still nervous about going back thing...huhuhu...still.....right now my heart is smiling!!!
Today is sunday.. A resting day for most of us.. So.. I spend the whole day sleeping.. Yes.. Sleeping non stop.. And at that sleep.. I got a dream.. You can read about it in previous post.. You know is tiring to sleep all day.. Our body feel tired.. Make us want to sleep more.. Suprisingly.. I manage wake up and take a fresh air outside..
tonight also i belanja dyla, zura, hilmi, lala n mimi at thai asam fish. Is something that i really want to before i go back.. I gonna miss them.. We eat quite a lot, chicken, fish, prawn, veggie and tofu. The meal quite nice.. Haha.. Those 4 girl are unable to eat a lot.. Haha
after the dinner, we went to karaoke. Haha.. I so shy.. I not good in vocal.. Damn shy.. I got sang a couple of song.. Sadly bad to hear from me.. I still having fun.. Haha..
as i promise before, i gonna tell what make me happy.. There a lot tat can make me happy.. In this post, i write some of it only, may be next time i will write again for what make me happy.. Okay.. All the time i been sad, that because i'm losing something most important of my life.. Which is love, till now.. I still haven't recover, as you can see i this blog.. love can make me happy.. How love lead to happiness? Ok.. When i love some1, and that person love you back.. You can say you will be the most happy person in the whole world.. I miss that feeling.. Try you do that everyday, you will be the most happy person everyday.. Well.. That look simple, and it actually are simple.. The problem is don't have any1 love me back.. I know.. I got my family.. But i really need some1 special.. That can make me happy non stop everyday.. Haha.. Everyday you can say to that special some1 i love you, and she say she love you too.. Haha.. I'm so happy to hear it.. But now i'm sad because i can't said it anymore.. Sad! Sad! Ok.. Enough about this.. I'm too sad to write about it now, my tear can't stop flowing..
this coming day, will be total suffering for me.. I will be strong.. I will go throught this.. I will move on.. I will let go what hurt inside me.. Still my heart are overburden wit sadness and heart broken.. I try to overcome it.. I try find other way of happiness.. Losing great source of happiness, mean losing energy for my soul..
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Yesterday is a day i need to set my goal.. On that day we had a presentation and the panel are from the industri, he is a professional engineer that specialise in bridge engineering. The presentation when well, not the presentation that interesting me but the sharing part wit the engineer.. He is kind enough to share about design, job and the industri.. He told us that we need to set a goal, one of the will be became a professional engineer. He said the the best job for civil engineer are at the consultant.. Well.. That y i planning to work at consultant.. May be at kk.. I will find 1 and i set my target to became an professional engineer.. I know that demand a lot.. I can choose now..
that day also i had well spend my day, spend time wit dyla and zura, is the feeling like in the class.. At that moment, everything seem pass so quick and i do not think about future.. Is a secure feeling when i wit them.. Sadly, that day is the last day we will spend together.. After day, i will be at labuan, doing nothing and just wait for job.. I hate that place at this moment.. I feel like i don't want go back.. Still i will move forward for what will happen.. Thing aren't same there, so do i and her.. May God be wit me..
I just woke up, and had a dream.. It is a weird dream.. I can't tell wat is it.. Is too offensive to someone, nevertheless, it is the most wonderfull dream i ever had. Inside the dream, i was disbelieve for what happen.. I was so suprise.. Each moment in the dream, i feel disbelieve, suprise and got some grudge for what had happen. Still it just a dream.. When i wake up, i directly pray to God for answer. Why bring to dream up, i know in this real life, it wont happen.. Why i have so vivid dream.. I really wish the sleep will come true.
Today is Design Project Presentation day, it the last time to do before i left this place... is kinda nervious not because the presentation but the future. huhuhu... i had ready this presentation since yestersday... and yesterday i'm quite happy..:)
yesterday i discuss about slide with zura and dyla. everything seem in order, problem encounter while making the slide are easily solve. the power point give not problem. just 2 problen, i dont have the ESTEEM model and i dont have PC. well...i'm using zura pc while typing this post. somehow that day remind me of my oldself. i doesnt care about anything when with them. is just make me feel in there... some1 give me a link to ehow about how to being happy. i'm sure next time i will tell how can i be happy. but if u read all my post, i'm sure u know how can i be happy.
that all i want to say at this short hour, i will post soon after i finish my presentation. the mpst important thing is yesterday i didnt feel sad at all.... hehehe....
yesterday i went to mas cargo.. i send my motorcycle back to labuan...the journey from my place (shah alam) to klia is so long, is like 2 hours of driving... this is because i was lost on the way...i use federal highway, hahaha...i follow the signboard to klia, but suddenly the signboard stop show sign of the klia...then i just go to sign to seremban, just i knew it was nilai and sepang..i know i was close but unfutunately, i already use a longway to reach klia...damn tired... and guess wat...at the area airport..i also lost again...i cant find my way to mas cargo... the other thing i worried about is my fuel.. is almost empty.... well...ask a few person... then i find mas cargo...go to Kastam, then everything settle... yeah..i finally had send my motor to labuan.... it cost like 750...
at night, i go wacth movie...it was all so sudden to go to the cinema at 10 to watch ANGEL AND DEMON. it was an intersthing movie. is not as deadly as the da vinci code but it still intersthing...the election of pope, the churches at rome... all this thing make want to go to rome and have priglimage at rome..
so.. have i get off my fear..still no..i just didnt think of it... but now while writing on it... i think about it.. i need to be strong... i need to not be afraid.. i also think about myself of being alone..i know they other people are even more unlucky from me...so wat i think about meaning of alone? i know i started feel alone when some1 abondoned me, that time i feel the world really coming down.. that alone feeling keep growing till i feel everything also make me feel alone, just that small thing..that some1... time passes and i LOOK strong, still inside me are not, that y i write this blog, knowing this blog is a public blog and any1 can read it..feel that i'm not alone, but this.. i need some help, i need get closure from that some1, not now but someday.. someday that i overcome this feeling of alone, and i feel special in all way..
then there is my problem with love, not love to the special 1, but love, i love all people around me, i really like to express it everytime, but it will sound so gay. i already found the cure and i searching for the cure, i need a pet..a dog... after go back to labuan, may be i will search for a dog. hahaha...
i still need stop dreaming..i keep remind myself to let go and move on.... i try to do...i write all the time in the post...i need to move on... and 1 thing that u right, i need to expect something small.. not dream something big, i need to be open minded in every corner, just that sometimes when i receive something good, i really wish i can share it. i grateful of cos, but still, keep to yourself and this make me feel alone. i have nobody to share to.. did u every play sims? they have different aspiration, family, money, knowledge, mine could be romantic. hahaha... i'm not that person that have basic thing of my life, like job, car, salary, house, and most important a friend that u can call at night. i dont have those. but looking at u, i'm the most unlucky person, u mean i guessing most of people.. even they in problem, they still got some1 to depend on. wat about me??? i just depend on the spechless blog. i being reject by real friend just because of me, my personality, u know it that i share most of my feeling in the blog, that personality, people rejected me!!! is me.... i like share and be shared, i describe
i guess my life is not that suck because i have my family, still i cant be myself because i always pretend i'm happy, i need to feel happy, dont everytime, in some moment, a tears coming out. because inside me are suffering. i love my living life, but i hate the journey, the journey of keep moving forward.. i can describe the my journey like, looking back after each step and there no light in the front. i need to change that view of my journey. may be next time but i sure i will write it down. well... there something i want write it down but i cant, is too private to me and too offensive to some1, is about 4th paragraph. let it go and keep moving k syl...
hey thanks for any1 that helped me, i know u still care. sorry if i said i dont... thanks for the comment. i really appreciate that u read this, and u write about it. this blog is for my healing process. everyday i try to look different view of my life. find the enlightenment path. i know it help me view in different way, compare with others, to open my mind there something even worst. still my definition of alone and love is different to me. i just want to share it. thanks to every1.
so....i need to stop writing. is too long already.. still got lots..but need to stop now.
at this moment, i'm preparing to pack my beloved pc.. this 5 days..i will have no pc to playing, cant write my blog, which make mefeel even lonely...
i need help, help help help............i dont know i can live or not.....
well...1 thing in my mind....but it never stay in my mind....is to horrible to think of it... even time i think of it.. my heart start to pumping, my anxiety increase... please.... please...... i wish stop everything... to think of it...i getting scare.... this feeling i ever have, last year, november, it repeat again.... and the outcome on that time is still not sure.. BUT this time it repeat again...and this time i know the outcome... i need to be brave.. stop dreaming... and move on.... thing are simple to say..but to do it.... it need lots of commitment and i dont have it... i guess...i will stuck like this forever until my spirit rise once again...seriously.... i'm afraid... please... any1... help me..... i beg for mercy... i really dont want face this future... where the future is know the outcome... i'm not that strong...i can pretend to be strong... please....
sometimes when u alone, u desperaid to have an end.... i'm not that foolish... i will keep moving forward.. have faith everything will be....???...... i dont have faith.... i'm questioning myself if my world without a dream now... can i move forward?? u know ur dream will never happen, u need to make a choice to keep dreaming or stop it.... i choose to stop it... wat i can do next?? that part i still havent figure it out, i just realise that.. damn... may be the day without PC will give the answer...i will try to blog using my mobile phone.. any1 please help me.... please do call me..... 0198221016.. i really lost in my way now... please
My experience at sungai congkak today is quite exhilarating .. but the flow of the river is not somewhat challenging, slow stream of upstream river...huhuhu..still the water is so cool...but i can stand cool water...
even with all the excitement, i still didnt feel right. may be because the plan is not in my plan.. or because is the last trip with dyla zura and hilmi.. well.. i gotta make full use of the time spend.. upon arrive at the picnic site, the place seem to be full of nature, well, almost, is not full dense with scrub, not full of mosquito, all quite clean.. the sound of river flow is somewat really slow, not the relaxing sound.. hahaha..
starting of the fire, cook some chicken.. yeah!!! jump to the water...basiclly not jump.. just step into the water, the water is not that deep.. too bad.. well...we just play water lar....huhuhu.... but i intersthing fact which is the flow inside the water, is suprisingly fast.. i bared able to stand...and the river bed is full of rock. walk on it is so hard.. there were accident occur, rock keeep falling. in 1 time, i sudden losen a rock and the rock fall to ain...pity her..i think the rock fall to her leg...but she say she ok..well...i still worried...and also...lala leg had been almost crush by a rock..
that it the life story i want to tell... i having an enjoy time wit them..
hey..i guess this post is boring because no pic...i want put so pic but i have low self-esteem..see my sad face..u all will vomit....hahaha
yesterday is very weird day for me...the internet is so slow until i have nothing to do..all my friend are busy doing design project left me alone in the house....the whole night till 10 pm, i was alone in the house..that time i really need some1 to just do something...i call all my housemate ask where they are...hahahha...funny thing is..it feel like i cant live alone..is my plan to live alone in the future, now think about...can i make it??? is the feasible for me...
well..the whole day was as hot day..even at night...i can feel the heat..i take shower like 5th time in a day...because i feel uncomfortable and the shower make me feel cool....all my stuff already send..now just the luggage, computer and my motorcycle at here...tomoro i will send it to mas cargo...huhuhu....
i'm getting ready to go to sungai congkak... herm... i didnt feel like going because being last person to know....hate it...but i just go to give my support and show that i'm not tat bad person.. well..that could be the last trip i go at here... SUNGAI CONGKAK...HERE I COME!!!
packing all the thing nicely(almost nice) then send to pos office...i been so tired to carry all my stuff like almost 80 kilos....yeah....9 boxes..luck i got hilmi help me carry to carry all those thing...thanks you so much... but somehow at pos office, 2 boxes had been rejected because overweight...damn!!!! in my mind..i need carry those boxes to 4th floor again..my house.. well....is my fault to not consider the weight of the stuff at the first place...i being careless about the stuff i going to send because depress of the future... well... at least i quite relive to pay for nandos for hilmi and me...eat quater chicken....yeah!!!
well....this bring back the stuff..is a burden to carry those thing back to my own home... i know some part of it need to throw it away...but look deep inside me.... do those stuff mean to me.?? for me it is.... next time i work.. next time old... i will look back all this thing.. all the funny writing i wrote... all of this stuff mean is already part of myself... why put this thing in the corner of the house and never look back... because... u know it already still there sitting at the corner and that thing is will memories..a physical stuff memories... that why is hard for to throw it away.. wat i been through, is always been a lesson for me.. already being part of my life ( my life path is engineer/bussiness) and i need to accept it..i refuse to start over again because it will be waste of my time althought i already waste some of it, i just need to improvise, things which are bad can be improve, need to show that i'm not the weak person, prove each step i go is a real matter, but never neglect pass experience/lesson as it perhaps a cure for me. just wish along the way, my pesonality arent change, a cherrfull, caring, gratefull kind and loving person cos i feel opposite way now. i hate my life!!!! even that part of my life already a meet full stop, i need still keep going ( my dream is not engineer but a scientist in physic, i choose engineer because want have stable family with stable job), i need to go this path. create new chapter, that wat life about, keep move on, do wat is best for u
look to the back...i contact back my sista...sharifa..she going to be maaried soon!! well..good news like that of cos i need to contact her... thinking how about the other sista.... 1 i really affraid is cammy... i cant answer myself y i abandon the CSS thing...well...she will forgive me, she always do.. 1 thing again in my mind is try show good impression of goodbye to all my friend.
is my nature to keep thing..as i go through my stuff.. i found lots of memories... my stuff that i keep since sem 2...but some need throw away... i feel reluctant to throw away some of my stuff but i need too because to to reduce the weight. i really hate to throw it away..
while i see my stuff, i really feel some part of me grown base on cayra, most of the stuff have some connection to her.. the most obvious are pen holder, a frame, a picture we took a studio, a card, cd...lots again..is been left in the box for a while because is a pain to see it all.. but now... even with my unreadyiness to go back..i have to face it also...lala once said to me all this thing should be keep and keep in memories, when we grown old, we can see this thing again and remember how funny i had been..well.... thing are change now..
so.. i need to packing now.. i just pack 4 box... more coming soon.... tired and depress...
packing thing..see all the past note.. i didnt ready to move forward.. see all stuff while packing..i really dont want to go away from this place...i hate to think forward...
when i wake up, i really afraid that to face the future. i know is not wat i dream of..... may be is not wat i dream of... this moment i really wish i can talk to some1 and give me strength.. i really want to talk... I'M NOT READY TO GO BACK TO LABUAN!!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!!! my heart beeting so hard... really wish my heart stop, really wish my mind stop, really wish my time stop, really wish everything stop.
just about today...lots of thing happen...i enter a state that i need to do something for my future... Cayra call me today and ask about me but the phone hang up suddenly...i try call her back but she dont answer the phone (i dont care she dont answer). i wish her brother happy birthday.... then i belanja deedat makan.... i really feel like today i'm quite cheerfull...may be because she call, hear her voice is so nice...
but most suprising is when i talk to my friend, lala. she is a good friend to me... first time in my writing this blog...i tell her about it...the first time i tell some1 that i got an emotional blog telling how sad and lonely my life are.. may be i comfartable talking to her, because she is so nice, understanding abit , and a warm personality.. well... sometimes letting people know how sad we are show u know that person can be count when u needed some1.... i never had intention to show this blog to any1... this blog i just use it speak my feeling out since i have nobody to talk to... well.... admit i got a problem and tell it to people may be is the another step for healing. blur....
baby....i really wish i have 1, u know last time that i really want a dog...actually,, i really want a baby... 1 thing i really miss is care about other... i really do care... but i got an obsestion that i really like to care...like to be busybody... sometimes is annoying... that why i like babies... a girl for sure... a baby girl u need to give all the attendtion to that baby... i know i will be a father, a father that need to support the family.. still i can give my above all care to the baby... may be is my dream to have a baby.. my heart always happy, heavy and desire to have it...
well....internal flame...i just remember this song...i love this song... this song somehow always touch my heart.. since long time ago... may be the song is just tell me how dream feel like to me... an internal flame, my dream always keep me going... i really dont want lose this feeling... everytime i close my eye..i start dreaming...dreaming something wonderfull... this song also ever sang by Cayra.. i really like her voice..sadly i can only heard atomic kitten voice now.. but never mind.... i just close my eye and dream that she beside me inside the car, sang this song.... goodbye memories
hey..i need stop dreaming....i really need stop doing that..but i glad..while write this post, i dreamed something wonderfull, accompany that internal flame
my last post seem about myself wake me up..myself could be right..i should stop dream and admit life is sucks... still even i say to myself that i need to wake up... i sometimes did wake up..but most of time i return to dream again....i cant stop doing it again again again... i just wish i know how my stubbornness end... perrhaps i need to find some closure... i dont know wat is it, how it should be... perhaps some1 can guide me... still my heart are as hard as stone...please...
thinking about it..i need to keep moving forward....next step in i need to find work...i dont know wat should i do.. 1 think for sure is i need to get to profesional status.. that mean i need to work may be at KK...find any consultant company that will hired me.... or may be i just work at labuan...with any contrator which mean i will never get profesional status... this decision is easy to make.. but i really wish i can discuss this with some1....some1 that care... well.... talk to me blog...i share already wit u blog.... be alive for second.... i dreaming again....
my mind always say to me this quite often.." wake up syl, stop dreaming, she wit some1 else, and the other she also got some1 else, u have nothing now..wake up...stop dreaming... u life suck and get over with..grab some beer and just admit ur life sucks..come on syl....u destroying urself...u just hurt urself even more if u keep dreaming something that is imposible..."
do i listen wat my mind say to myself...i know this world is suck and fulll of suffering...my logic always say that to me...but i like to keep dream all wonderful thing...sadly..inside me also struggle to choose... i hate myself because of that...i hate my life...hard for me be positive...and i always being stubborn..stuborn to every1 and myself..
today i wake up wonder will i lose it all....review back many years tat i ever live.. start from form 5 after school... i got a few best friend that always together...gary, sunny boy, bennedict, lee wai hong, khairul anuar, rizwan.. and a few more.. that most best friend of them are gary and sunny boy.. but after school finish..we all going our own way...separate.. we still contact each other.. have a drink.. remember back the old days... hahaha..still i feel the loses of them....
now at matrix..i meet lots of friend...i discover that people all round the place have a kind heart.. people that unknown each other are quite friendly.. till they know the true of each people... my friend on that time if from sabah...edward, azuan, fizila, ayuz, zamir and their gang, and from my class - roddy, rina, zahit, cam, caloline, and lots more..sorry cant remember all...the sad thing is after matrix..i lose all contact wit all of them..is been like 4 years...i didnt ever meet them..is sad for me to think back wat i ever lose...for me... they are so important to me as they look after me.. take care of me.. even just for 1 year..but the friendship is meaningfull because is my first time i encounter people outside.. well...is already gone..may be 1 day try to contact them...i promise..
now now now...how should i value friendship...i already give up try to make activity for my housemate..still they seem dont care...well..i give up...not that i dont care...i do...i really wish it end in good way..perhaps i should let it be..just go with the flow.. this 4 years...all seem fresh to me...here come the boring story
at sem 1, i meet miji, ajak and solehudin. they all nice people.. i still remember that ajak bring his uncle to go to buy my pc, i still remember solehudin been such a nice person...them i meet my course batch..they all seem nice..sad for me because i only 1 person for matrix labuan. that time, my roommate are close to me. after that is sem 2...this bring me to ash...my new roommate..and also solehudin...he pretty much gone at that time...leave the house... ash seem pretty nice guy, very nice...hahaha he still now still my housemate...he is the best friend i got at semenanjung, well..i can say our friendship is just a friend..sadly...i know i can improve but my jealousy....my roommate at penang also are loq, bat, fazimi..they all nice to me...bring me enjoy clubness night out...hahaha..they know how to have fun... over the course..i also meet deedat.. a good friend..he seem wit me all the time..have almost similar mind wit me..pretty much he is almost like a mirror of me in term of thinking...but after long time i know him..we pretty such different.. totally different.. still mind are almost time same..just different in pattern.. at sem 3... i need noradila and zura...dyla is a pretty special girl... is my first time i lay my eye on girl at here.. our friendship start nicely and growning slowly.. miss those moment...through our friendship hilmi join in...hahaha...hilmi in my eye is some1 kind hearted.. willing do anything.. compare the his emotional, my emotional is much dangerous but i will keep it unexplode.. so.... who else... they lots more...is hard to write all my friend..but most of them are good people...oh ya...rasit i should mention... a strong heart person...:P
so.....y i write all of this...because i feel i gonna lose them... ash, deedat hilmi rasit dyla zura and all my batch...i will go back to labuan...then i will lose contact with then...of cos some i look forward to coming back like shikin marriage..that time i hope all are working a happy see each other.. perhaps is my emotion..my emotion that i being lose...i know in my heart when thinking of this...i know myself are crying...welll....i just have to go with the flow...but that flow lead to an unpleasent end....i hope is not like that...
hey..i just watch this video on mtv while having snack at Barra.. This video make me feel like i really wish i'm at her position.. everything is a problem, still they love each other.. even a fight, a argument, well in the video they just play each other..tease each other, still they look happy. damn... it ever happen to me last time, i can remember how nice the feeling, how happy, well..last time we love each other, nothing can make us sad when we together..everything seem so perfect tat time..miss those...
looking in the lyric..eveything is about the title of the song.. is as simple as that..example.".Said you'd never come back, But here you are again" the guy will always come back..even he say otherwise.. and "But you're pretty messed up too, Anyway I found out I'm nothing without you" kelly can know everything is not perfect, boht of them are mess up, but she realise she need him. they belong together.
i like to listen to love song as it keep my dream feel alive and feel real for a second, but at the same time, i miss those moment alot when i heard the song. make me feel relief, happy and sad. just by listen to song!!! a mix feeling!!! hahahaha.. move on syl!!!! my life already suck...!!! good night and good luck for exam tomoro syl...
4 days i didnt post at this blog. why? because i will say the same thing everytime. my mind keep thinking the same thing. i know i have to move on, stop living the past, wake up!!!! still my mind keep fixed to same thing....come on lar syl!!! stop it!!! i always angry to myself, i being too stuburn even didnt take advice from myself... now i really piss off....i dont know how to change myself, even self motivation are not working... wat again heard people advice, i know since begining people already advice me...but still..i hate myself because i still unchange..wat my point of view in this life??? i hate my life...ungratefull..full of shit...and just try to be normal, survive. i really cant bear this...everytime i try to move on, my mind keep thinking about it...
but 1 thing i really sure...i miss her so much...time passes but the feeling are keep the same...my jealousy of other people life, not they are better, but they certainly are happy.. me?? inside me like so damn broken...feeling happy sometimes..but most of time feeling sad.. memories keep repeating.. mind keep dreaming... i dont know wat keep me alive.. may be because i still dreaming..tat keep me alive..dream tat never come true...only despair arrive..
even i'm sad..but i still keep in touch most important thing going to happen... farewell... the day that i will lose everything that happen in last 4 years...i hope it end in good way, good memories, and friendship forever...i dont want lose it again, whereby after farewell, i became totally lonely...!!!
